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GENDER 101: Don't Box Me In
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen in here?"
Bullying is when people put down others to make themselves feel higher. But that's a false equation, and the only way you can really feel better about yourself is for who you are and what you do.
Delta Work (a "Heather")
"I'm going to have to call it quits... Sir! I'm sorry, we're all out of time, Sir. (audience laughter) I know it's killing you, but I'm going to have to stop you there. Thank you very much."
Anne Sibley O’Brien, in a recent series of articles in the SCBWI Bulletin, brought our attention to the phenomenon of “white mind” – how many of us default our characters in our writing and illustrating to be white. I’d argue we also have “heterosexist mind,” where we don’t even realize we’re not including Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning characters. Our princesses end up with princes. Our boy characters are attracted to girls, our girl characters are attracted to boys, the adults in our books are by default straight, and we don’t even notice we’re doing it.
I’d like to advocate that we, as children’s content creators, become the engine for a re-education that gets people’s minds to include gay possibilities. That’s no more radical than suggesting that the universes of our books include the diversity of the world in which our children are already growing up.
Just as African-American children and Asian children, disabled children and foreign children, Latino children and Jewish children, fat children and deaf children, and every other group of “other” children do, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning children need that moment of seeing themselves reflected in the books they read.
Without seeing themselves in the stories they grow up with, how can they believe there’s a place for them in our world? Sadly, so many GLBTQ children don’t see a future for themselves. And not believing in a future is one cause of the tragic rash of gay-teen suicides.
Before going any further, I need to debunk a devastating stereotype about what it means to be gay. Being attracted to someone of the same gender is NOT a choice. If you’re straight, was there a moment in your life when you CHOSE to be attracted to people of the opposite gender? We can’t convince ourselves to be attracted to Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie if that’s not what we find attractive. We can’t control or choose how our bodies are wired.
The dearth of positive portrayals of GLBTQ characters in children’s literature doesn’t keep GLBTQ children and teens from existing. But, it does feed a culture where gayness is equated with second-class citizenship. It feeds a lack of self-esteem. It feeds a loss of hope.
You certainly don’t need to be GLBTQ to write a GLBTQ character – any more than you need to be male to write about boy characters. Do your home- work. Get your details right. And in the words of Jane Yolen: “H.O.P.” – get your Heart On the Page. Because, at the end of the day, GLBTQ characters have emotions and hopes and fears just like every other character. And if we can tap into OUR real emotions when we write them, they’ll ring true.
Ellen Wittlinger famously said (and I’m doing my best to make her famous for saying it) that she includes GLBTQ characters in everything she writes, even the books that aren’t about those characters, because they’re part of the world of her readers, and she wants her books to reflect that.
And for illustrators, there’s an equally important opportunity to open minds and hearts. Look at the amazing work of two-time Caldecott-Honoree Marla Frazee, whose illustrations to Susan Meyer’s words in their board book, Everywhere Babies, includes an exhausted two mom family, right next to all the other racially diverse, exhausted parents.
I once asked a children’s illustrator if he had any gay content in his portfolio, and he reacted as if I’d asked if he had any pornography among his drawings. Look at Madge and Bernie Wubbington in Peter Brown’s The Fabulous Bouncing Chowder. They may be heterosexual, but they’re not having sex. They’re sitting on a couch. Similarly, including GLBTQ characters doesn’t necessarily sexualize a book.
So, I urge us all to consider including gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning characters and themes in our writing and illustrating for children. Include them in our picture books, our chapter books, our middle grade, and our young adult manuscripts. Include them in our magazine articles, our nonfiction, and in our art.
At the very least, we can contribute to a more respectful sense of safe space in our world – and in our literature – by not having characters disparage GLBTQ people with expressions like “that’s so gay” as toss-off moments of dialog – even if it’s what teens today say.
None of us would use the “N-word” carelessly. Our culture has shifted to where racism is unacceptable. We need to make homophobia unacceptable as well. It’s not about censorship, but about recognizing that using words like “faggot,” “that’s so lame,” “retard,” and boys calling girls “bitch,” contributes to a culture where kids learn to build their own self esteem by putting others down. We need to change that power dynamic.
The goal is not tolerance. Or even acceptance. The goal is for us to be able to
celebrate our differences.
And as creators of content for children, WE can help get us there. We can make kids’ and teens’ lives better for having read and experienced our stories – all kids. Gay and straight.
We can make a difference. And we should.
Lee: What do you think can be done to get rid of the homophobia in sports?
John: If there was a meme, it would be: 'Don't flatter yourself. You're not that clever, you're not that interesting, you're not that hot."
"He grabbed my jacket and tried to rip the [rainbow] ribbon off of me," St. Jermaine Endeley, 20, said of his confrontation with a parade official. "It's not fair. This is America. I can wear what I want."
"Toland's story is both deeply personal and epic in scope, as his search for identity plays out against the brutal fight over segregation, an unplanned pregnancy and small-town bigotry, aided by an unforgettable supporting cast."
Zoe and her mother argue about her mother wanting Zoe to friend her on facebook. Do your parents try to friend you on facebook? What do you think about that?
Jodi collaborated with Ellen Wilber on the accompanying CD of music - songs to give Zoe a real voice. Which track on the CD speaks to you the most, and why?
Pastor Clive and Wade Preston spew a lot of hateful lies about gay people. Why do you think they're so anti-gay?
Zoe’s identity and attraction to others changes over time. Do you think who you’re attracted to (other boys or girls or both) is fixed or something that evolves as you live your life?
Vanessa talks about the “subtle difference between tolerance and acceptance.” And one example she gives is “It’s the chasm between being invited to a colleague’s wedding with your same-sex partner and being able to slow-dance without the other guests whispering.” Do you see this in your life? And is the goal tolerance? Acceptance? Or something more… celebration of our (and others’) differences?
Is being queer seen as the obstacle to parenthood that it once was?
On page 123 Zoe notes that “It’s been two months since Vanessa and I bumped into each other at the Y, and she has seamlessly slipped into the role of my closest friend.” Do you have any friends in your life that just slipped in and seemed to fit perfectly?
When did you first suspect that Vanessa and Zoe were going to fall in love? When did you realize they were in love?
On page 127 Zoe notes that the protesters outside the movie theater “are not militant, crazy people. The protesters are calm and organized, and wearing black suits with skinny ties or modest floral print dresses.” Why do you think Zoe is shocked by this? Have you ever been shocked by the ‘normalcy’ of people spewing hateful lies?
Have you ever experienced any discrimination or been stereotyped in ways that helped you sympathize with Zoe and Vanessa?
•Tell The Truth
•Be Fair
•Keep Your Promises
•Respect The Individual
•Encourage Intellectual Curiosity
•Tell The Truth
•Be Fair
•Keep Your Promises
•Respect The Individual
•Encourage Intellectual Curiosity
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe
...is dedicated to the "It Gets Better" campaign, which is about fighting against harassment of gay teens.
Sing You Home, by Jodi Picoult
Jodi Picoult
Lee: You’re donating part of the proceeds of each signed copy of the book sold at http://bit.ly/JodiTrevor to The Trevor Project. Can you share with us why you’re so passionate to help GLBTQ teens?
Jodi: I started writing Sing You Home because I think gay rights are really the last civil right we have yet to grant in the US and I wanted to explore the issue, and to see why those still opposed to gay rights are opposed. However, this became a much more personal quest for me when my oldest son came out to me during the writing of the book. Did I know beforehand? Sure. I could have told you he was gay when he was three, and It didn't make any difference to me. I wouldn't love him any more if he wasn't gay; I don't love him any less because he is. Kyle is brilliant, a Yale sophomore who is an Egyptology major and who can read hieroglyphs (and about four other languages) and can do math that gives me an aneurysm; who competes in ballroom dance and runs a children’s theater and outreach drama program in the New Haven Schools. His sexual orientation is the least interesting thing about him.
But I also know another young girl who is a member of a theater troupe I run for teens. She was suicidal, because she is a lesbian, and that's just not something her very conservative evangelical Christian family can handle. She worried about them finding out she had a girlfriend. She worried about being disowned so she couldn't go to college. She had to hide who she was every time she walked in her own door. Going home, for her, meant living a lie. Her parents gave her no support when she hinted at her sexuality, and in fact suggested she talk to a Christian counselor. This girl felt like she had no one to turn to, no adult who cared about her, until I started to mentor her. Unlike Kyle, coming out was not going to be a celebration.
Many teens who decide to come out have a disastrous experience, unlike my son. We've seen the media picking up on LGBTQ teens who have been bullied, and who have turned to suicide. I want ALL LGBTQ teens to have an experience like my son had. It's hard enough being a teenager without having to hide who you really are. The Trevor Project is a safe haven for kids who need the support they're not getting from their families. What I dream of is a world where there's no need for The Trevor Project, because no matter who you are, you're accepted.
Lee: The buzz about “Sing You Home” hit the message boards on TrevorSpace months ago. And while your books are published as adult titles, you have a huge teen and young adult following – with high schools and colleges among your upcoming book tour destinations! Does awareness of your teen readers shape your writing?
Jodi: I love my teen fans. First of all, they're not shy. They write me all the time and talk about how much they enjoy my books, and who wouldn't like that kind of feedback!? I've had teenage fans bake me cupcakes and bring them to events; I've had them make up Jodi Picoult Fan Club tee shirts -- they make me feel like a rock star. I do actually think about them when I write my books, which is one reason I often have a teen narrator. I love teen narrators because they have a built-in BS meter. They won't let you get away with a lie; they always cut to the heart of the matter. When it comes to making decisions, they have great swinging passions and sometimes too little cerebral cortex - which also makes for a great character.
Lee: Music is so integral to the lives of teens and young adults, and also to your main character Zoe. She’s a music therapist, and the CD that accompanies “Sing You Home” has ten tracks, with lyrics by you and music written and performed by Ellen Wilber. You wrote in the book that the songs were to give Zoe a real voice – what was the process of creating those songs with Ellen?
Jodi: People who oppose gay rights often don’t know someone gay very well. If you do – if you have a relative or teacher or butcher who’s gay, you know they’re just ordinary people. I wanted readers to get to “know” someone gay – and Zoe’s the one I picked. I wanted readers to really listen to her. I could have given her a first person narrative (and did) but I wanted to go one step further. I wanted you to literally hear her voice, hear her pour her heart out to you in her songs…and THEN see if they can still dismiss her dreams of marriage and a family. My friend Ellen and I have collaborated before on original children's musicals that are performed by a local theater troupe to raise money for charity every year. We've done over 100 songs together, with me writing lyrics and Ellen writing music. So I asked her if she might be interested in a different kind of project, and she was very excited to be part of it. I'd basically write a poem that encapsulated what Zoe was feeling in each chapter, and give it to Ellen, and she'd come back with an amazing melody that brought it to life.
Lee: Kinsey came up with a scale of sexuality, saying that almost everyone fell somewhere between 0 and 6, with some people at “0” (completely heterosexual) and some at “6” (completely homosexual), and most people somewhere in the middle. One of the characters in “Sing You Home” was in a straight relationship and then fell for someone of the same gender. Do you think there’s an element of time that needs to be considered – that people’s attraction to others and/or identity shifts over time? Or is it that some people are bisexual and never realized it because they either fell for someone of the opposite gender first or because our culture reinforces straight relationships in a way it doesn’t support queer relationships?
Jodi: My first crush was in second grade on a boy named Kal Rustiala. He had a jungle gym in his basement and an iguana. I never made the conscious decision to like him, it just happened. So I assume that it's exactly the same for someone who is gay.
Lee: It is! Though my first crush didn't have an iguana. He had a rock tumbler.
Jodi: When I was interviewing lesbian couples for research, I found that while some of the women knew they were attracted to the same sex very early on, an equal number had had committed relationships with men before falling in love with a woman. I wanted to represent both angles, which is why Vanessa is the “gold star” lesbian but Zoe comes to her same-sex relationship after having a heterosexual one – and yet, Zoe also reflects on a same-sex attraction as a child that she dismissed because it wasn’t “how she was supposed to feel” about her best female friend. So I guess that the answer to your question is all of the above.
Lee: Writing from three points of view, getting inside your characters, must have been challenging - especially when your characters are on completely opposite sides of their beliefs in the equality of gay people. Is there a part of you that felt a sense of danger in having your characters articulate anti-gay sentiments?
Jodi: It was really hard to create Max. He had to be a sympathetic character but his views are (to me personally) abhorrent. I had to make him almost befuddled, so that he truly believes in what he's saying without realizing how hateful it is to some of the people who hear it.
That also meant doing research with an evangelical Christian group opposed to gay rights. I interviewed representatives from Focus on the Family, a group that supports the Defense of Marriage Act, opposes gay adoption, and (under the umbrella of Exodus International, which has since taken over) offers seminars to “cure” gay people of same-sex attraction. Like Pastor Clive in my novel, their objection to homosexuality is biblical. Snippets from Leviticus and other Bible verses form the foundation of their anti-gay platform; although similar literal readings should require these people to abstain from playing football (touching pigskin) or eating shrimp scampi (no shellfish). When I asked Focus on the Family if the Bible needs to be taken in a more historical context, I was told absolutely not – the word of God is the word of God. But when I then asked where in the Bible was a list of appropriate sex practices, I was told it’s not a sex manual – just a guideline. That circular logic was most heartbreaking when I brought up the topic of hate crimes. Focus on the Family insists that they love the sinner, just not the sin – and only try to help homosexuals who are unhappy being gay. I worried aloud that this message might be misinterpreted by those who commit acts of violence against gays in the name of religion, and the woman I was interviewing burst into tears. “Thank goodness,” she said, “that’s never happened.” I am sure this would be news to the parents of Matthew Shepherd, Brandon Teena, Ryan Keith Skipper, or August Provost – just a few of those murdered due to their sexual orientation - or the FBI, which reports that 17.6 percent of all hate crimes are motivated by sexual orientation, a number that is steadily rising.
It's always scary to give voice to an opinion that you feel spreads hate -- but sometimes that's what you need to do to really hold a mirror up to the people in the world who really DO think like Max and Pastor Clive; to get them to really listen to what they're saying. One of the great joys about Max is that he, as a character, espouses a journey I hope that these people also take when they read my book. He begins with an opposition to gay rights because of what he's been told to believe by others. But when he tries to hold these beliefs up against the reality of the gay people he knows - and has loved - he sees that disconnection, and ultimately makes a decision not based on religious dogma but on personal ethics.
Lee: The protests and rallies in the aftermath of the murder of Matthew Shepard help your character Vanessa find the inner strength to come out as a lesbian. Strength and hope from tragedy. There’s a lot of tragedy in “Sing You Home” – are you hoping readers can find their own strength and hope from the catharsis of reading your book?
Jodi: There's a lot of tragedy in Sing You Home - particularly in Zoe's fertility struggles - but I actually think of this book as an uplifting one! I think the book leaves you with the belief that the world now, for LGBTQ folks, is so much better than it was twenty years ago; and that changing one mind at a time is the way to gain acceptance for all regardless of sexuality. If you have been struggling to be honest about your sexuality, and you finally come out, you might change the mind of a relative or friend who previously opposed gay rights -- because you force them to rethink their logic. They already love you, and know you're not a bad person, therefore not all gay people can be bad. I hope it doesn't take another twenty years to achieve equality but I do think we are headed in the right direction.
Lee: Early in the story, on pg. 18, there’s a really tender moment of Zoe’s mother saying that her daughter couldn’t disappoint her if she tried. And in track 9, “Where You Are,” there’s a beautiful lyric Ellen sings, “I think home is a person and not so much a place.” Is there a healing for you in your writing?
Jodi: Writing this book for me was not just healing, but proactive. I had been writing about an issue that I supported, but it was theoretical. Sure, I had gay friends and colleagues, but it wasn't until Kyle came out to my husband and me that I realized I had a personal stake in this fight. I want to do my part to change the world for my son. I want to know that this book has opened minds, so that by the time Kyle wants to marry and have a family, it’s not an uphill battle.
